Life With Cancer (Update on Dede Miller)
My last update on my sister Dede's battle with breast cancer was optimistically misleading, but not because I was intentionally being "Pollyanna-ish." In an appointment in mid-December, her oncologist told us that her recent PET (Positron Emission Tomography) showed that the only cancer remaining was in her breast (she has stage 4 metastatic cancer and some cancer had been detected in tissue around her lungs that was diagnosed as "adenocarcinoma" and her diagnosis was very serious).
By the time we went to this appointment, Dede had been off of chemo for several weeks and her breast tumor (which at one point had been all but gone) was growing again, but her doctor sent us to see a surgeon for possible mastectomy anyway.
The surgeon was far from the optimist the medical oncologist was and said that her tumor was too large and too much surrounding skin was involved for surgery to be possible and since stage 4 cancer is "incurable" there is little reason for surgery other than wound care because it's not about getting rid of the cancer, but cancer management and prolonging life. The upshot is, Dede will begin another course of chemo beginning this week for an indefinite amount of time. Her oncologist said some people have been on chemo for 10 years in response to her question whether she would just have to be on chemo for the rest of her life.
We were disappointed, and I am not too proud to say that I am a little scared and even though Dede shows a very brave face to the world, I think she is, too. Her attitude is very positive, so I try to match hers.
Even though living with a person with cancer is a roller-coaster ride of hope, false hope, terror, victory and defeat; after living with her diagnosis for nine months, now, sometimes life with cancer is very mundane. Except for her sparse hair (which is growing back) and the fact that she tires easily, you wouldn't even know Dede has cancer and that makes it easier and harder to cope with at the same time.
I am sorry that my last missive about Dede was overly optimistic, but I believe her medical oncologist gave us false hope. It angers me, but I can't imagine telling a very kind person like Dede that her situation is not that great. During this process, I have had to re-evaluate my style. I am brutally honest, so I expect the same kind of honesty from people I deal with. A little sugar-coating is fine, but to me, false hope is deadly. However, Dede is the one with the disease and she prefers a little fudging with the facts to help her cope with coping with this invader.
As sisters, our styles are different, but our goals are the same. Dede won't be able to move back to L.A. anytime soon to be with her beloved pets in her own home, but the most important thing is that she (we) beat this thing to restore her health to better than ever.
And there is real hope, not false hope. Beating the kind of breast cancer Dede has is uncommon, but not impossible; beating stage 4 cancer is also not impossible and we have been reading a great book called Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds by Kelly A. Turner, and I really believe that with the alternative things we are doing and with Dede's great attitude and reasons to live, she (we) can be cured.
I have my sister in the next room, but I need and I'd like my peace-comrade back because so much ruckus needs to be raised against the evil empire that not only wages wars around the world, but has constantly waged wars against poor people here within the borders.
Even though my own relationship with the medical establishment is on rocky ground, I think the biggest thing I have learned so far in this struggle is that early detection is so important. Dede knew she had a thing growing on her breast, but due to lack of medical opportunities and her own relentless denial ("if I ignore it, it will go away") she is in far worse shape that was necessary. We can't look back in regret, but we can analyze past circumstances to learn.
If I am overly optimistic, it is in my own hard work and agency. I really believed that by now the wars in the Middle East would be over---LOL. I've had many friends with breast cancer that were in remission by now and I really thought that's where we would be with Dede at this point. It's been a long haul but we still have a long haul to go.
Below is a link to Dede's GoFundMe page if you are interested in helping us with this life and death struggle. This is the mundane part of cancer, bills still need to be paid and even though Dede has a great team up here in Solano County with Medi-Cal, she still has expenses for her alternative treatments.
Thanks---as Ché said, "hasta la victoria, siempre."
HELP WITH DEDE'S MEDICAL COSTS
HELP WITH DEDE'S MEDICAL COSTS
Have you ever tried cannabis oil Cindy ?ReplyDelete
I haven't, but Dede is using Rick Simpson Oil.Delete
I'm glad to hear that, and i did of course mean to ask if Dede was using it :-) keeping you both in my prayers.ReplyDelete
My business partner, mentor and best friend recently passed away from esophageal cancer after 14 months of chemo, radiation and surgeries. When first diagnosed, he was told he had 6 months. He had no family, no close friends in the Bay Area. He told us he was frightened to die alone(his wife had died of lung cancer 6mos. previously). We insisted he move to Sacramento and live with us. Another MD offered hope. Said chemo and radiation would shrink the tumor enough to be excised. Trouble was, Cal was unable to swallow because the tumor was blocking him. So, head had a feeding tube put in, and a stent to open his throat. We fed him the most caloric favorite foods to fatten him up in an effort to make him strong enough to tolerate the extensive surgery that might free him of the cancer. We got 21lbs on him. But it was too late. The cancer had spread to the lymph nodes, and would not be operable. Hospicare started(they were wonderful), and we did all we could to see Cal as comfortable as possible. I stayed at his side all the way. We had some really good conversations, and it hopefully helped him, and me, cope with the reality of his decline. He passed peacefully. He was Japanese, and had spent his early boyhood in an internment camp in Montana. He graduated with Honors from UC Berkeley. He was a small business owner that employed all manner of folks. He was kind and generous. His last words to me were: 'I'm sorry to be so much trouble.'. We miss him so much.ReplyDelete
Cindy, you are a fine sister, and a good person for taking up the task. My most sincere hope and best wishes for you both.
Thank you so much for your generous contribution to Dede's fund.
When we surmount political differences, we all have the same struggles and the same needs.
Your friend was also very lucky to have you and your family.
So sorry to hear this Cindy. So very, very sorry...ReplyDelete
You are a gem; sounds like Dede is as well. You are lucky to have each other...